When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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