alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
