Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
