Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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