you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
