my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
