So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
