from now on my penis is your penis
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
