my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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