Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
