I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
