I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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