My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
