ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
