I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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