i dont even know how to be here
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
