Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
