Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
