Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
