Don't make out with my wife yet
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
