its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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