can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
