hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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