You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
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I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
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You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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