Cold hands, warm shart.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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