I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
