My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
