Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
