Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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