We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
