If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We had sex on a dog bed..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
