I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
