if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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