You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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