My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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