god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
where am i from again
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
