Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
