i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sorry my hands just texted you
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
