and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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