forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
