saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
