got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
