she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
