Don't make out with my wife yet
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
