I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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