Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
