im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you had me at cake vodka
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
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