Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
