Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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