Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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