i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
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I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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