I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
