I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
