Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
he shaved USA in his pubs
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
