I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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