If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
