You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
