Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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