i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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