He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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