You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
