hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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